Needed and Known

How to Make Friends as an Adult

August 04, 2021 Cassandra Roberts / Tiffany Alysa Season 1 Episode 10
Needed and Known
How to Make Friends as an Adult
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

You've moved to a new city and want to make friends.

Maybe all of your friends are in a different stage of life. 

Or maybe you just need friends!

Tiffany Alysa is truly an expert in building community. Working for a job that was moving her every two years, she managed to hack the fountain of friendship and she is sharing all in today's episode. 

Interview Resources and Notes

For the transcript and notes, please visit NeededAndKnown.com
TiffanyAlysa.com
TiffanyAlysa on Instagram
GalsThatBruch.com
Bread and Wine by Shaun Niequist

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/neededandknown)
Cassandra:

Hey friend, it's Cassandra, and this is needed and known the podcast where we discover how to transform average moments into a great life by learning, growing, and becoming better humans together. I interview amazing people. Who've improved their communication relationships and perspectives and unique. This week, I'm introducing you to my friend, Tiffany. Tiffany is joining us from gals that brunch a chapter based organization, driven by building community. She will talk about three key things. You need to make friends as an adult and she'll share the inspiration that spurs her on. Hey, Tiffany. Welcome to needed to known.

Tiffany:

Hey, thank you so much, Cassandra, for having me I'm so excited to be here.

Cassandra:

What is Gals That Brunch?

Tiffany:

Yeah, absolutely. So Gals That Brunch is a community movement that is in 120 cities around the world. Basically we're out there finding the best brunch spots and destinations, but our heartbeats for community and bringing women together to walk in more freedom into empower them. So that they can connect with others, make friends and yeah, we're just, we're building community while enjoying the best meal of the day, which is what I like to consider brunch.

Cassandra:

So how did gals that brunch start? Cause it wasn't just, this is something that you yourself started, correct? Or were there other people involved?

Tiffany:

I did start Gals That Brunch. I was moving all around the country for my job. As a young professional. I had moved to Denver for five years. And I put myself out there over and over and over again, I joined softball teams. I went to young, professional, happy hours. I got involved with local faith communities and still felt like at the end of the day, like why can't I find my tribe? And I, it wasn't for the lack of not putting myself out there. And I like to call myself the famous ambivert. I tried. It was a lot of work and it probably took me close to two years to finally feel like I could say that I had that sense of community. I had a great group of friends. Then I found out my work was trans planting me to a different state. And I was like, oh my gosh, I can not believe I'm going to put myself through this process again. And so what I did is before I even moved, I went to some of the local foods. Groups in Virginia Beach and said, Hey, I'm a 27 young professional moving to the area and wanted to see if anyone would be down to go get some brunch and a couple people bonded. And I was like, okay, like, all right. You know, so I went to the restaurant and I was like, I'm going to end up being the only person here. I went like three hours. It was to reserve a table. And before I knew it over 20 women showed up and it was like one of the most beautiful experiences. People were laughing and crying around the table. And I was like, what is happening? You know, what's going on? And it just shows me like time and time again, regardless of the days, I don't feel like doing it or what, not how much we need connection and how much we need that. In-person synergy. Yeah. We're in this social media driven world where everyone feels more connected than ever. I might not see my high school best friend for 20 years, but I know she has a baby. I know she has a husband or whatever the case may be. But then yet this generation is struggling with loneliness at an all time high and how important it is to bring people together. So we grew organically by word of mouth for the first year. The, the kind of the. Steak was, Hey, you know, invite someone to the table with you. And that's what we did. And then one of the girls was moving away to North Carolina and she was like, Tiffany, what am I going to do without girls at brunch? And we were like, laughing, you could start a sister chapter. And at that point, Virginia Beach had grown to about 1200 women.

Cassandra:

Oh my gosh! How do you book brunch for 1200 women?

Tiffany:

You know, we never got to, but we basically ended up doing. Events a month throughout different parts of Virginia Beach to meet. Room for as many women as we could fit into the restaurant, which was like anywhere from like 25 to 50 people at a time. And then started doing happy hours and things like that, just to like try and make room for as many people as we could. So she moved to North Carolina. At that point I found out I was moving back to San Diego. We started the Gals That Brunch, Instagram account. And within the first couple of months, we had four different people reach out to us. Which one of them was you in Oklahoma! You were like part of our first five chapters of Gals That Brunch would just like, kind of just like one of them. Astounding things to me and be bouldering things for me now, six years later of doing Gals That Brunch, and you were one of the first five people that reached out about setting a chapter. And as you know, like it was kind of like, we never thought about it. You know, we weren't built necessarily to think through like what that was gonna look like, but we just took a chance on him, you know, as people reach out to start chapters and now we're in 120 cities around the world. That's crazy to think about.

Cassandra:

That's so crazy. Wow. So like you went from 20 women to now you're in 120 cities. Do you know, about how many women are part of Gals That Brunch

Tiffany:

It's challenging because since we've grandfathered a lot of community groups and so every, so we have different community groups that use different outlets, but from what I've been able to put together so far, our community makes up about a hundred and a hundred thousand plus women give or take

Cassandra:

If anybody's listening and they're like, well, who goes to this group? It is literally. The requirement is you like brunch. You don't have to love brunch. You don't have to be a brunch fanatic. You can think that happy hour is superior. That's the beautiful thing about brunch, right? You can have your own eggs or you can have your sandwich, or you can have a steak, you've got any of the meals.

Tiffany:

You have a lot of options.

Cassandra:

You can have an adult beverage, or you can have water. There is anything you want dessert. No dessert. Doesn't matter. It's all on the table. Gals. The French is truly a place to be needed and known. And for someone who's maybe moving to a new area or trying to find grownup friends Gals that brunch is a fountain of people waiting to meet what are three to five things that you would say make help adults, make friends.

Tiffany:

Yeah, it's so interesting because I never imagined in my entire life that at 20 something years old, I would Google. How does an adult make friends? I had no idea that that would ever be something. And I, it just made me realize how much we have these built-in systems and networks. As you grow up through school, through businesses, first-time jobs, whatever the case may be, you know, naturally a lot of those systems. I built in networks of friends, family members and things like that. But when you're moved out of those environments into a new city, like I was like, you were where you plopped down and you're like, okay, great. I have to build community. And what does that even mean? And whatnot, there's, you know, there's a number of things that you can be doing and what that looks like. And it definitely takes some heavy lifting at first. But you know, the first tip that I would have for people is To show up authentically and genuinely as yourself and really be confident in your authenticity of who you are and what you bring to the table. One of my favorite things that I say about Gals That Brunch, because I think sometimes people struggle with like, well, what about friends? The only new person, or what does that look like? Like for me, it's knowing like you're inherently worthy to be seen, known and heard. And so you. Rightfully have a place at the table because we have an opportunity to get to know the gifts that you are and the gifts that you carry. And that's like something like I'm super duper passionate about. And I think so many times we underestimate ourselves and what that looks like. And we were talking a little bit earlier about how some times it's like awkward, but if we just knew kind of like had a little bit more confidence. In who we were created to be. I think there's nothing more powerful than that. So spend some time, some time with yourself, you know, get really comfortable and confident and what that looks like. And I don't mean rehearsed and, you know, getting ready to be like, this is who I am, things like that. Just again, like, no. You're worthy to be seen, known and heard. I think the second step is you have to look at what local tools that you have and resources that you have to use. So when I moved to Virginia Beach, I looked up Facebook groups. Cause I wasn't sure like what else exists in the area. And so the reason why gal brunch is a little bit unique is because every single city. Different with how, in terms of how their community communicates. And even if there's a meetup available there or whatever the case may be. So so some cities leverage a meetup account. Some people don't, you know, some people use Instagram or some people use Facebook or things like that. So kind of figuring out and exploring some of the local tools that you have available to you. And I always say like, Pick something you love or pick something that you've never tried before and that you've wanted to do like maybe a local painting class, something along those

Cassandra:

--photography, telescopes or whatever--

Tiffany:

yeah, exactly. Something like that. I think It's definitely really important. I think the other tip that I I would have is going on Instagram, looking up like local hashtags and things like that, like W wherever you live, input your city and then whatever secondary you in you, like be looking for looking up for like local events and what that looks like. Be really comfortable in spending some time with yourself, as I mentioned, kind of the first one, but don't be afraid to try new things. Like for me, I went to the dog park with my dog and like, Connected with people, but I think theirs would just kind of be the first couple that I would think about when someone is looking or seeking to find new friends

Cassandra:

it's a great core. Cause it's who are you? I think that's, why. I would hazard to say that you went through an awkward phase. I know I did. I call it the first, most of my life. , and the biggest difference between then and now is just like you say, being confident, like I'm a little nerdy. I asked dorky questions. I say the wrong thing sometimes. And rather than like, letting that shut me down and like, make me fearful of saying anything. Except that part of myself and try to try to be better, right. Try not to put my foot in my mouth all the time. But like, it's okay to be my thing. Even on our neighbor, we have a relatively new neighborhood and I'm known for being like, hi, how are you? Where do you live? Those are my introduction questions. I would like to know your name and your address, and so that might be off putting to people and, and that's okay. I accept that. It's a weird thing to say. I want to know where you live. I want to know where in our community you are

Tiffany:

I can look out for you. And yes, which house are you? I think you bring up a great point too, because that would be my third point is that sometimes out of your greatest pain comes your greatest gifting. And I talk about that a lot. So sometimes like when we're feeling lonely or we're feeling excluded or things like that, we have opportunities to extend that. So you're new to a neighborhood. You become the welcome wagon.

Cassandra:

That's what we've done. You're not surprised I can tell you're not superior. Sounds like something, I love that. And then once you know who you are, it makes that makes it easier to go out to, you know, your local farmer's market or what I say, local farmer's market. And then thinking of like the Dallas farmer's market, which is like huge, but like even in little Italy in San Diego, like any of these. You know, city farmer's markets if you are scared to be by yourself, that most of that I would say is rooted in knowing yourself. So I definitely think that those go together. Those are great suggestions. Thank you. Are there any resources or anything that you've seen that have really any books that you've read, anything that have really encouraged you or that you suggest to people that encourage them to get into community?

Tiffany:

Oh, my gosh. Yes. So it's literally the last page of bread and wine by Shauna and I inquests and I actually send it to every person that becomes a city leader. And it's just one of the most beautiful pages. I literally weep every time I read it. But it talks about. Throwing open your doors and inviting people that you love into the mess and that how often we wait to invite people over until our houses are clean or till our life is put together or whatever the case may be. But it just literally like throw up in your doors and invite people into your mess, like invite people into your tears, invite people into your laughter. And it talks about like, really beautiful of like, you know, how Roman garlic is like, there are some garlic cloves on the stove, like, and just like bring people into that, like hardiness and it talks about, you know, On one hand, like you have a friend that might be going through one of the happiest moments of their life, and then you have, on the other side, you have a friend that's walking through a miscarriage and that you can hold space for both. And that life doesn't have to be about like the butterflies and rainbows. It just has to be about doing life together and locking arms together. And it doesn't have to be about the anti stances or the are you for, or are you against, or what that looks like, but just like understanding. Well, first and foremost, like we're human and that's what we get to connect in. And that's the great equalizer is humanity. And that how a great meal is just like the most like simple piece of nourishment that literally every single human being needs in the world. And it's like, that's all you have to do is like offer people nourishment because that's like first and foremost, like we can't survive without that. And then when you bring in like the connection pieces to it and. Not the textable soundbites anymore. And you just continued to invite people in it. It's really pretty in the, the book is like full of like recipes she's like created with her friends and things like that. But like literally that book, I would say how sh like that last two pages has like so clearly defined, like what my heart beats for and why I do what I do, because I, I just think that there's like, it breaks my heart. To see like a world that's like hurting and feeling like, well, if you don't believe this, or you don't believe that, or things like that, but it's like, we don't create spaces to allow people from different worldviews and perspectives to come together. And literally, like, we're not going to talk about that. We're just going to brunch. We're just going to share a meal together. And then all of a sudden it's like your shoulders job, you breathe a little bit deeper. And it's like, oh yeah, you're human. You know, like, and we can just remember that. And I think that's like, where. World peace will happen. If we go share a meal with someone

Cassandra:

relationship therapy, that is what you just described is what they talk about, which is called creating a safe space. And that's really what you do in Gallup wrenches. You create a safe space of like everybody is accepted here. This space is not intended for your platform and your anti stance and your whatever it is that you're, you're trying to do. Yes. We're just all people who really enjoy brunch. So. And who want to build community? I mean, that's just so beautiful. I love how you're like, this is one page and then it was like all of these different things. So now of course we're going to have to, the link will be in the show notes because that's too good. As an expert in. Building community. I know people reach out to you all the time. So if our listeners want to reach out to you, where can they find you?

Tiffany:

Absolutely. So you can go to my personal Instagram, which is TiffanyAlysa or you can go to my website, which is www.tiffanyalysa.com. Again, a L Y. A or you can go over to the Gals That Brunch. If you want to find out any information about gas at brunch or local Gals That Brunch chapter.

Cassandra:

That's fantastic. We'll have all of those links in the show notes. And I also know Tiffany has a mentorship pro program coming up in the next few months. So if you want to know more about that, I would get on the list now and not wait. Thank you so much for coming, Tiffany. I appreciate you. And we will talk again soon.

Tiffany:

Thank you so much. So I appreciate you.

Cassandra:

You know that all three of Tiffany's points will be in the show notes, but I'm going to repeat them now because they are too good for you to forget. Number one, know yourself, make sure that you are comfortable with yourself and know that you are worthy to be seen, known and heard to look at the local tools. When I moved to Oklahoma, I did not want to use. But that's what everybody was using. So I had to adapt. And the third one is to remember that out of your greatest pain comes your greatest giftings. If there is something that you have struggled to get good at, like me with my awkwardness, I have a Ty tolerance for awkward people. Now, if you want to connect with Tiffany via her website, or if you want the link to that book, she mentioned they will [email protected] slash podcast. Thank you for helping Tiffany to feel needed and known until you need me next time. Bye!

Introduction
What is Gals That Brunch
How to Make Friends as an Adult
What encourages you to build community